Monday, November 07, 2005

Tossing Beanbags and Drinking Beer

There is a game played in Cincinnati, known as cornhole. Now, despite the graphic inuendo and liberal suggestion towards vile acts, it has nothing at all to do with sex. In fact, the game draws it's name for tossing bean bags, originally filled with kernels of corn on to boards a certain distance away with a hole cut near the top. One point for landing a bag on the board, 3 for dropping one through the hole, 4 bags are thrown in alternating turn and points are acrued or rescinded based on where your opponent manages to land their bags. Chances are, you or someone you know has played. Different people call it by different names depending on reigon. Ultimately, it's a more interesting, faster moving, and somewhat safer version of horseshoes. Why is it safer? Because drunken competitive people trying desperately to regain their glory years are not firing heavy, awkward, metal objects at one another with fuzzy eyesight and lacking body control. Where as people have taken stiches in the shin from horseshoes, a 6 ounce beanbag smacking you in the leg it little more than annoying.

So a short time ago, I'm enjoying myself at a co-workers surprise 40th birthday party. True to form, there was nice weather so there had to be a makeshift cornhole tournament. By makeshift tournament I mean a short-handed way to get as many people playing as possible, regardless of "talent" for the game while being able to keep a hand free to eat or drink. By tournament I do not mean an eruption of fragile ego in which gauntlets are thrown in specific spite of the manner in which one makes a bag come to rest on a board 25 feet away. Are you kidding me? Are people really so strung out on this game that we are about to see a 7 person fist fight because someone reached to far on their release? I mean fellas come on...If we're gonna scrap at least say somethin' 'bout somebody's momma.

The day presses on, and I find myself tossing against someone I have never met prior who is throwing with his own set of monogramed beanbags! Wow...last picked at kickball were we? In an attempt to hide my flagrant laughter, I decided to cut away from the action to grab a beer. Trying to be as graceful as I can, I turn to this loon and say "Hey man, I'm grabbing a beer...want one?" You'd have thought I called his baby ugly. Fixing me with a blazing glare he responds as cool as he thinks he can "I don't drink when I'm playing cornhole. And it's rude to hold up the game by leaving." It was always my understanding that the backbone, underlying cause, whole daggone reason to play cornhole was to find an excuse to sit around and drink.

Now clearly at the boiling point, the guys next to us on the "warm up boards"...oh did I forget to mention that? Yeah, these guys are so agressive about throwing 6 oz. bags of corn kernals that instead of playing 2 games at one time, there are warm up boards! The guy next to me bounds into a series of "son of a's" and various other explicatives as he stands nose to nose with the last pick of the last round in the 1976 school yard kickball draft.

At that point, I was done. Time to go home. I will relegate myself to the ranks of Xbox and Coke while the Eastsiders and Westsiders duke it out for utter supremacy of worthless knowledge as it pretains to the game of cornhole all because some guy didn't want a beer.


Blogger Katrina said...

Where do you come up with this stuff? I can't tell if funny things just happen around you or if you have a way of making situations funny.

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Momma said...

Hummm do you "play" cornhole? What position do you "play"? Are you a "tosser" or do you "lug"? I am all for the beer and conversation, but then that is how I view all sports at this time when ask to play. Except monopoly and don't EVEN get me started on people who won't EVEN sell railroads!

9:59 AM  
Anonymous CCC said...

This is laugh-out-loud funny stuff --- way to capture the "essence" of the game.

7:40 AM  
Anonymous Ericka said...

Only you Topher, only you... No worries though cornhole at my house is just as simple as you stated, "An excuse to drink beer." You are always welcome to a normal game here :)

10:55 PM  

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