Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Here's My Sign

On my head, there is a sign. In all fairness, it might be hovering just over my head, but there is, in fact a sign. The sign cannot be seen be the standard eye of man. But I can assure you it is there. I’m not exactly sure what this sign says? I’m not exactly sure what it looks like? As I said, it cannot be seen by your average person. If asked to speculate, I would think that it is large neon colors, either green or yellow, and it is all on one line. I’m thinking it probably says something like “Please come talk to me about the worst problem facing in you in your life or if you don’t have one of those please tell me all about the pyramid you are involved in and think would be a great money-making opportunity for me.” Yeah, it says all that.

It doesn’t matter where I am in the world. I could be sitting down for dinner with my wife in a restaurant, I could be in line buying groceries, I could be walking into a softball game dressed to play with a bag in my hand and clearly listening to an Ipod, and someone is going to tell me about their day or try to get me involved in their pyramid.

A usual conversation will often go this way:
“Hi, welcome to Friday’s. I’m whoever, how are you doing today.”
“Doing well, thanks. And you?”
“Well, I’m having a rough afternoon. I was in a fender bender this morning. I didn’t do well on a calculus final in this, the last quarter of my senior year in college. And I broke a shoelace getting dressed this morning.”
…Silence…
“Umm…wow…so can I have a Coke?”

Or maybe…

“Hi how are you? Did you find everything you were looking for?
“Good, thanks. Yes I did.”
“That’s good. You must be the only one. Everyone else who’s come through tonight was complaining about something and yelling that we were out of stuff. Someone even called my manager up here for no good reason, just to make trouble.”
“Wow…uh…sounds like a rough day?”
“Yeah. I almost didn’t come in today. I had a friend try to commit suicide last night. She’s been having a really rough time with….so on and so forth….”

Great. So now not only to I have to listen to your crap, but I have to hear about you’re friend’s bag o'crazy? Can I just have my DVD and Sour Patch Kids?

But let’s not forget the pyramid people. I love these people in a can’t stand them sort of way. And I don’t know what it is about my outward appearance, but they track me down like sharks smelling blood in the water. Some wannabe entrepreneur can weave his way through a crowded Target just to find me because I look like “a very sharp individual”. Or they’ll break me off with a “Man you look familiar. Where do I know you from?” kind of thing.

I’m just going to start responding with “Well thanks. But a really sharp individual wouldn’t have had to file bankruptcy twice before he’s 30, let me tell ya.”

3 Comments:

Blogger Abby said...

Snappy retort, and I love it!!
You do seem to get idiots thrown your way more than most...

2:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I loved this one - very witty.

Love, Me

3:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

liked this one and it is oh so true! The sign above my head screams: Home Schoolers - come talk to me!

1:13 PM  

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