Thursday, October 09, 2008

A Slow News Day...

It’s a slow news day today. How do I know it’s a slow news day? I know because everyday I’m at work I find time to catch up on the state of affairs by reading msn.com. I’ll take it over a newspaper any day of the week, mostly because I can read it at my desk and no one thinks I’m rude for breaking out a paper in the middle of a workday.

In the midst of the events of the past few weeks and I’m sure the next few months, there has been headline after headline about the bank bailout and the upcoming election. They also have the latest Hollywood headlines and such, but national news and whatever crisis is prevalent always takes center stage. Today is no different.

So how do I know that today is a slow news day? Because one of the links on the scrolling headline banner on msn.com today has to do with a buyer’s guide to purchasing lingerie. No kidding.

I don’t know how women go about buying lingerie? My primitive male mindset suggests to me that they go into a store, see something they like, maybe try it on to confirm that they like it and that it fits, they buy it, and take it home. I’m sure there is plenty of comparison shopping and holding things up and numerous other hoops that are jumped through to facilitate the transaction. But appealing to the lowest common denominator, see it, like it or not, try it on, still like it or not, buy it or start looking again.

Want to know how men buy lingerie? No, this is not some twisted allusion to going to Hustler Hollywood and buying something trashy, edible, or both. I mean the real kind. Something you’d get your wife or girlfriend at Victoria’s Secret. Something elegant, flattering, and attractive. Men have a see it buy it mentality. Women will comparison shop all day for lip-gloss. Men will make a long-term purchase based on packaging and pretty colors. But shopping for lingerie, assuming you’re really trying to make an effort and not trying to get a cheap thrill by walking around lacey things all day, happens very differently in several steps.

Walk and forth in front of the store trying to convince yourself that you are not a pervert for going in without a woman present. Not only does your mom not count, it’s a little weird.
Summoning your inner strength, enter the store. Nothing will be where you think it would be, and the layout will make no sense causing your to walk around like a little lost child further illustrating that you are a novice.

Find something you think would be attractive.

Find something the recipient would think is attractive.

Reconcile one item against the other until a decision is made.

Root through the items you have approved until your find the desired garment in the necessary size.

Hold up several different styles and sizes, and with a puzzled look on your face, look at the butts and breasts of everyone walking around trying to estimate appropriate size vs physical proportions. You’ll probably be having a conversation with yourself at a low mumble at this point.

Realize that you’re not sure what the necessary size is. It doesn’t matter because even if you knew, it wouldn’t be easily available.

Decide on a size.

Second-guess yourself several times until a member of the staff comes to help you. Because life is not without a sense of irony, chances are it’ll be some 19 year-old hard body who is looking at you like you’re a sicko in spite of the fact that there is clearly a wedding ring on your hand.

Discuss your choice of style and size with this person, yes the one who clearly thinks you’re a pervert, which will prompt the rest of the sales staff to rally around you to offer their opinion. Of course you’re the only person in the store, so everyone’s free at the very moment.

Make your decision, purchase the item, leave and resolve never to do that again. Not never to buy something like that again, but not to do so without having a better grasp of sizes and variations depending on the cut.

This is a great process to undertake if you feel, at some point; like your head is getting too big and you need a dose of reality. You can make any number of decisions. Color, cut, material, whatever. And with each and every decision there lurks a wrong answer and a subsequent mistake to be made. Ultimately, there is one and only one golden rule when it comes to buying such things. You can pick an ugly color, lousy cut, cheap material, doesn’t matter. All you have to remember is when it comes right down is when in doubt, err on the side of buying one size too small.

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