Monday, February 09, 2009

The Stars Are Announced!

Last night, ABC delivered the cast of the newest season of Dancing With the Stars. Always one to armchair quarterback, why not jump right into speculation on who’s going to win? I’m pretty sure my pre-show assessments last season were pretty accurate, but this season is delving deeper into obscurity than seasons past. Nevertheless, onward!

Lil’ Kim: Rapper, recording artist, and occasional actress. She has made dance songs and subsequent videos. She should be able to do some damage, as recording artists have been able to do in the past i.e. Spice Girl Mel B. But rappers have not had a long shelf life in this competition in the past (see also: Master P).

Steve-O: Wildboy and TV personality. This guy just gets on my ever-loving nerves. I can’t possibly imagine he’s going to take this at all seriously. Look for an early departure.

Nancy O’Dell: TV personality. She’s one of those “I think I’ve heard the name before” types. If nothing else, she is a very elegant lady, which by itself will make her look better even if she doesn’t dance as well right off. That may buy her some time to continue to improve, assuming she’s not strong from the beginning.

Lawrence Taylor: Retired football great. Retired football players have done very, very well in the past (see also: Emmitt Smith, see also: Warren Sapp). Of course, that assumes he’ll lay off the sauce while in rehearsals…and by sauce, I mean crack.

Shawn Johnson: Olympian. Olympians also have a strong track record in this contest (see also: Kristi Yamaguchi, see also: Maurice Green). Again pushing the age barrier, she is the third contestant they’ve had in three straight seasons to break the youngest mark. Rhythm and grace should come easily.

Chuck Wicks: Country something or another. Not a clue who this guy is? Apparently he’s dating Julianne Hough, which sounds like it might be enough of a reason to get her back on the show for another season…so he’s alright in my book.

Gilles Marini: Actor. Most famous for his outdoor shower scene showing his dong in the Sex and the City movie (yes I saw it and I was not the only guy in the theatre thank you very much!), I think he had what, 2 lines? But the imports have done well here, so who knows (see also: Christian De La Fuente)?

Denise Richards: Actress. And speaking of naked scenes, I’d like to hearken back to the fine cinemagraphic masterpiece that was “Wild Things”. Pretty ladies who get on just because they’re good looking are hit or miss. You can either get a Brooke Burke (winner), or a Kim Kardashian (bounced in the 3rd week which was 2 weeks too many).

Steve Wozniak: Apple co-founder. Ah hell, I dunno.

Belinda Carlisle: Singer. She reminds me of the second coming of Perscilla Presley. She even kinda looks like her.

David Alan Grier: Actor, comedian. Comedians don’t have a good track record on this show. All we have to do is look back the past two seasons to Jeff Ross and Adam Carolla, respectively.

Ty Murray: Cowboy. I don’t think there’s ever been a cowboy on this show before. But more people only know who this guy is because he married Jewel. And speaking of which…

Jewel: Singer. I don’t think she has anything better to do. And I think it’ll only be a matter of time until she makes some manner of political statement or does some activist thing.
The partners have not been announced yet. Stay tuned.

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